My wedding ring, the second sterling silver band in five years, is typically on my finger. When it’s not, it rests atop the pointed cranium of Patrick Starfish, best friend to Spongebob Squarepants.
This contraption is real. See. It’s for your spoiled shit kid’s iPad.
"Because here at Fisher-Price, we know parents want to get newborns addicted to technology as soon as possible and SO DO WE. That’s why we developed the new Apptivity seat. The Apptivity is perfect for parents who’ll spare no expense to literally have zero interaction with their kid."
And thanks a lot Fisher-Price. Maybe I wouldn’t have looked like such an asshole for duct taping the iPad to my kid’s hands if you released this product a little sooner.
Kid: (singing softly to himself) Rock me…momma…wagonwheel….rockme…anywayyafeel….hey…momma rock me
ME: (plugs phone into radio jack, flips through songs, finds Wagon Wheel)
SONG FILLS TRUCK
ME: (looks back at son, smiles, wants to see his delighted expression when he hears….
KID: NOOOOOOOOOOTURNTHISOFFFNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO (in the squealing cry of a man repeatedly stabbing his roommate in dead of night and sorry but not sorry for what he’s doing)
KID: Daddy… play wagon wheel.
For the second time in four years, my full-time job is a stay-at-home dad. In both instances, circumstance landed me in the unpaid position. “Circumstance” is a nicer way of saying “laid off.”
Click here to read the rest of my piece at Men’s Health magazine.