Dear makers of agitating and semi-pointless kid’s toys,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but on behalf of all the parents in the world, go eat a warm sandwich baggie full of farts.

I’m sorry to use such harsh language but your incessant songs/rhymes/repetitive phrases voiced by a woman that sounds as if she chugs carafes of coffee before shoving an open umbrella up her vagina to obtain just the right annoying vocal pitch in which to say “T stands for Tall” has us all a teeny bit on edge.  I’ll tell you what T really stands for toots — it sounds like ‘what’ and it refers to the makers of this torture devices created in the depths of hell.

Look, I get it, the music and sounds stimulate young minds and gets the little people moving, grooving and up out of their ‘Umizoomi’ induced hazed brought on by the warming glow of four hours of Nick Jr. You’re doing the Lord’s work. Except you purposely do shit just to screw with the caregivers of the little monsters who keep pressing the play button like crackhead on a drug vending machine. Do they have vending machines for drugs yet? I keep checking the vestibules of Babies R’ Us in hopes that the average parent can just get a little $1 taste to dull the pain. Maybe drugs should come with these kids toys?

Where the hell was I…oh right.. why I think you’re dicking us all around.  You do things purposely just to screw with our sanity. A good example is the options for sound that include ‘ear piercing,’ ’ slightly less ear piercing,’ and OFF. Haha. I’m kidding. You don’t come with an OFF button. It might read OFF but the toy is never really off. It’s only muted until 4am when the house is dead silent and I’m walking past to take my eleventh whizz of night. (Is there anything in the vending machine for constant urination?) Nevermind. I’m just going to piss on this duck that is only suppose to play when put in water but likes to quack every time I reach past it in the cabinet. Hopefully it shorts out the circuitry or at least electrocutes me into another couple hours sleep.

It’s all fine though because, we, the annoyed parents of the children that play with these toys will get the last laugh. It will be just like ‘Toy Story 3’ or at least what I remember between long cries and wails of ‘I miss my childhood!’ — one day the toys will have to go. We’d like to give them to needy children but that just isn’t going to even the score. These toys have a date with a screwdriver and middle-aged hands still jumpy from years of torture and vending machine Zoloff. ‘Tstands for Take that ya fucking duck.’

Or we might just give them to friends with small children. Their kids will love ‘em.

Love and butt rubs,

Chris

Join the conversation with other demented parents on the Message With a Bottle Facebook Page.

Aubrey - Just pinned your video on my board!

Chris - Hey! What did you do now?

Aubrey - Hahaha! I pinned your YouTube video on Pinterest. It made me laugh, and as I work from home, it was very apropos!

Chris - Thanks! Women love Pinterest huh?

Aubrey - I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It is AWESOME. We’ll see if i get tired of it.

[2 minutes later]

Aubrey - And magically - You got repinned. Throwing some more stuff in. I’ll pin it for you.

Chris - I don’t get that website, I mean I get it, but I don’t. Show me your page.

Aubrey - Haha. No idea what you’ll see. I just started playing with it. It’s heaven for me though.

Chris - Ugh, I already have a headache trying to figure this out.

Aubrey - No it’s so awesome. The cool thing about it, is that when I pin something, other people searching for topics or just viewing my pins by other people repinning will hit your content.

Chris - Oh. So it’s like chick tumblr.

Aubrey - YES!

Chris - And is it just to show off stuff?

Aubrey - It’s more like……’community brainstorming’ or ‘interest sharing.’

Chris - …about nice heels.

Aubrey - No! About everything. Fashion, locations, food, entertaining and home decor etc.

Chris - Oh, so like pictures of nice heels in Milan

Aubrey - Haha! And also it’s a lot of hotography.

Chris - That sounds like something I’d be into.

Aubrey - Photography. Forgot the P.

Chris - Too bad. I was interested in hotography. Thought it was like a type of amateur erotica.

Aubrey - Ugh

Chris - Are there any men on it?

Aubrey - Yes. Not sure if they’re all gay though. Ha!

Chris - So this website is for women and gay men. It’s like Bravo.

Aubrey - Ughhhh

Chris - Maybe I’ll create an account. Should I pretend to be a woman though?

Aubrey - No! There’s gotta be stuff like- men’s fashion, travel and stuff for guys you might find interesting.  You have to be invited though I think and I don’t know if you deserve an invite! You seem so skeptical.

Chris - What if I were able to name everyone left on Project Runway?

Aubrey - MAYBE
 
Chris - I also do a good Tim Gunn impersonation. Maybe not good but moderately good.

Aubrey - I’m just going to sign off now.

Chris - “MAKE IT WORK!”

[Aubrey has signed off]

There he was, sitting on the kitchen floor, playing with his cars. I’d be gone for a couple minutes, plus, the Permanent Roommate was standing in the same room. Granted she was on the phone, and getting dinner ready, but I’d only be gone mere moments. I had to piss.

The worst possible scenario is he opens a couple cabinets and starts pulling out packs of napkins or bottles of paprika. It’s nothing we haven’t let him do a hundred times before.

I was gone, at the most, eleven seconds. Her scream traveled upstairs faster than I did but holding my crotch always slows me down just a notch.

“HE’S EATING CAT FOOD!!!”

I ran back downstairs. Not as fast as I could have but I was still holding myself before I pissed myself laughing. 

She’d dragged him back to the middle of the kitchen floor. He looked up at me, smiled, and coughed out a nugget of cat food. 

“If we are looking at this with a ‘glass half full’ approach,” I said “this will mean he’ll have less hair balls. It says so right on the bag.” 

[Note — Just so you all don’t think I had a stroke or wrote this with my left foot (wasn’t that a movie with Daniel Day-Lewis? It was called something like ‘Just so y’all don’t think I had a stroke.’ ) I wrote this blog using an iPad app called Penultimate. It allows users to take notes like a note pad, using their finger as a writing instrument. Because that’s why the Permanent Roommate bought me an iPad — to use it like an expensive fucking legal pad.]