MORE OF ME MONTHLY COLUMN: http://guyspeed.com/category/half-a-man/ TWITTER: My Twitter PINTEREST: My Pinterest Page BOOKS: My Amazon Page FACEBOOK: My Facebook Page
The greatest gift a mother can receive today are dated gift receipts proving you didn’t wait until yesterday to buy her stuff — Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) May 12, 2013
If you’d like to follow me on Facebook, only to unfollow eventually, go right ahead and click this link.
Another B*llsh*t Day In...
A choice. A sick game, that’s literally a sick game, created by some sadistic villain from a Bond flick. [[MORE]] Do you want to take care of the kid up at 6 am, vomiting all over his penguin pajamas and hysterically crying to make it stop and shouting “DON’TTAKEMYSHIRTOFF” even though said shirt has more unchewed macaroni hanging off it than a noodle restaurant mop. ...
If men always think with their penis we should rename condoms “thinking caps” — Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) April 26, 2013
Real men don't wear flip-flops
Every so often I’ll take advantage of the free writing courses at the library. At the start of a nonfiction writing class, participants were given a free-write assignment. We had eight minutes to scribble whatever came to mind but the first line of the piece had to begin with the phrase “My father/mother never…” This is what spilled out of my brain in eight minutes. Enjoy.[[MORE]] My...
Man, I feel like a woman
The Shania Twain song randomly popped into my head. It might have been in a commercial on TV. It might live deep in the recesses of my mind. It might have been in my dream. It left my head and came out of my mouth. This is what happened next…[[MORE]] “The best thing about being a woman…is the possibility of 24 hour vaginaaaaa.” “Would that really be the best part for you?...
I’m going to start taking progress photos of my gut like a pregnant woman — Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) April 24, 2013
I’d like to think if Anne Frank were alive she’d tell the Nazis where Justin Bieber was hiding — Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) April 15, 2013
How is a father supposed to teach his son not to...
I mean come on! I just get done telling the kid hitting is wrong, not to hurt people and that his toys are not Ninja Turtle swords (except for the actual Ninja Turtle swords) and I stumble across these dukes while casually browsing my local toy store. [[MORE]] HULK SMASH! DAD BUY! WIFE USE REAL FISTS ON DAD LIPS! These aren’t those hard foam rubber kind. These are soft, like pillows....
Million Years by Wild Yaks -- What's In My Ears?
“Now that I’m a million years old.” “Now that I’m a million years old.” The opening lines like an ear worm, hiding behind the eardrums, deep inside the canal where wax is even scared to buy property. So it rents. It’s the title song off the Wild Yaks latest album and it has squirming around in my head for a month. I’m fine with it.[[MORE]] If...
10% of the time
Much like every other loser male with little-to-zero verbal communication skills, I occasionally respond to actual questions with movie quotes instead of meaningful dialogue. The word occasionally means “all the time” right?[[MORE]] A line used more frequently is Frank the Tank’s “maybe Bed Bath & Beyond, I don’t know… I don’t know if we’ll have enough time” because it...
Do you know how I know you’ve given up on life woman in front of me in line wearing Mountain Dew pajama pants in the middle of the day? Exactly. I’m all for comfort but how about throwing on a pair of jeans or your regulation Walmart worker slacks? Is the point of wearing pajama pants in public to recreate the comfort of being in your own home, or bed, in the middle of a crowded...
A General Lesson in Parenting
This quote, from General George Patton, is written in bold Sharpie on an index card tacked to the bulletin board in my office. The board hangs next to the computer I work on all day. Writing is the only career where you hear “no thanks” more often than a hooker with visible cold sores. That’s a joke, men will screw anything, cold sores be damned. The intention of the quote was...
How to Make a Killing Off Kid's TV Shows
I’ve just got to mention a quick stroke of — possibly criminal — genius. [[MORE]] The other night the kid was fidgety at dinner so I went to “old reliable” (the iPhone) for a quick video fix before dinner arrived. YouTube. Fresh Beat Band. Buffering. Boom. It’s on. He’s dancing at the table. Possible crisis avoid. Anyway, I look at the details of the...
DNA tests came back conclusive -- I'm the father...
Kid put my glasses on in an attempt to make mom and dad laugh. Mission accomplished. Come over to Facebook. It’s warm and smells like cinnamon.
Am I Yelling at the Kid or the Dog?
Trick question. We don’t have a dog. At least not an actual dog. We’ve got a kid that nibbles on furniture though. Which reminds me — what age do I get him neutered? Say hello on Facebook.
Score One For the Permanent Roommate
Follow the shenanigans on Facebook.