Message With A Bottle

I found this article about the things people with children should never say to childless friends. I found it funny because it’s insinuating that people with kids remain friends with people without kids. We don’t. We want to, but we can’t, and those people will understand once they have children. Jesus, I broke a rule already. It doesn’t matter because after rifling off the list to the Permanent Roommate we both admitted to reciting these exact statements to childless friends on more than one occasion. 

We said these things because people said them to us before we had kids. The statements really aren’t that offensive. People (with and without spawn) should all just get a thicker skin about shit.

Now, because I’m such a swell guy, I compiled a list of 10 things you REALLY shouldn’t say to people without children. I’m speaking from experience because I’ve muttered them all.

1) What does it feel like to be incomplete you selfish monster?

2)  What are you using for birth control? Have you tried Toddlers & Tiaras?

3) You’d understand what I’m going through if you had a kid or, the comparable, three untrained monkeys with chronic diarrhea.

4) Your dog is like your child except your kid will probably be hairier and lick his balls more.

5) You don’t have kids? Then why is your house such a shit hole?

6) The old lady dies in Up in the first five minutes. Fucking Disney.

7) You’ll change your mind about wanting to have kids even after you actually have kids.

8) We didn’t invite you to the function because there will be kids but feel free to crash and bring hookers and blow, but after 8pm, because we’ve got to give the kid a bath first.

9) Seriously, why do you still talk to me?

10) You should try different sexual positions. Want to practice? I was talking to your husband.

Ok, so maybe now I get why we don’t have childless friends.

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