Message With A Bottle

Every other commercial during The Price is Right peddled some type of exotic coffee. The coffee that’s so delicious it transports your entire mind, body and soul to an exotic locale known for, I’d assume, fucking good coffee. Magical destinations like Paris, Belize and Teaneck, NJ (which is magical if the wind is blowing the right direction). This was back in the 80’s when Starbucks didn’t line every avenue like street lamps and Dunkin Donuts propaganda centered around a sleep deprived middle-aged schlub dreading a life filled with making greasy sugared doughballs at the crack of dawn. 

Those commercials still exist, though updated to reflect the fact housewives don’t dream of Paris coffeehouses or attractive waiters named Jean Luc who they may allow to stick his French baguette in their oven before they fly home. New coffee commercials show women (and sometimes men) sipping coffee and luxuriating in a place they rarely get to relax — their own house. The makers of these overpriced ground beans implore people to enjoy the “quiet” of their “finally empty house” with a nice, warm mug of (INSERT CRAPPY COFFEE BRAND HERE). 

Fuck that. 

Sure, an empty house is an amazing place — especially since I haven’t been alone in mine for over two years — but sipping a cup of coffee and staring out the window is the last item on my agenda of things to do in an empty house. Also, every time I stare out my windows I notice a lawn that needs cutting, weeds that need pulling and my neighbor avoiding his now five-year plan to finish a roof. Not exactly the Eiffel Tower or a Thomas Kincade portrait on the other side of that glass.  

What’s the first thing I’d do in an empty house? Probably sit down for a minute and think… 

“Holy crap, I’m alone. What were all those things I’ve wanted to do when I finally had the house to myself? Oh, right, laundry, fix everything that’s broken, rearrange the bookshelves….that all sounds like work. Well screw that, I’m not doing work and I’m not sipping coffee. I’ve got to find something relaxing to do.” 

[Sits on couch. Flips on TV. Watches nothing.] 

“Shit. This is boring. I’m going to Starbucks. I need a coffee.” 

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