I don’t know everything about raising a kid. That should be obvious. Every once in a while, a parent needs the help of another. So we go to other people for advice. This week, I asked Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka for her help.

Dear Becky,

Is it worse to have your kid’s best friend be a little asshole or have the kid be awesome but the parents be real assholes?

Love and rabbit turds,
Chris

Dear Chris,

As a licensed* life coach and the knower of all things, I am so sorry that you are having this problem. Have you tried condiments?

I’ve learned, over the many days of being a life coach and knower of all things, that the answer to most things is condiments. Ketchup is always a favorite of mine, but I keep a large supply of mustard (Let me now suggest that you investigate a Costco membership so that you, like me, can always be prepared) on hand. Why? I can hear you shouting, pleading through the monitor for my glorious wisdom: simple.

Zombies hate mustard.

I know this because I know everything. It says so right here on the pretty piece of paper that I made in MS Word.

So while the rest of the world is arming themselves with shotguns and trying to board up their fireplaces, I will be sitting on the couch, wearing only tube socks, watching reruns of House, MD, after slathering myself liberally with mustard.

I wish you the very best,

Becky, RN-BSN, ESQ, Life Coacher, Knower of All The Things

*Licensed by the power vested in me.

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